Bernadetta von Varley (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
persecutetioncomplex) wrote2021-02-05 07:38 pm
persecutetioncomplex) wrote2021-02-05 07:38 pm
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Bernadetta von Varley ✦ FE3HRESIDENCE ✦ Residency
GEMBOND✦ Amethyst
"Um, I... I don't know why you need me, s-so... um... no, well, if you do need me, that's, w-well... just... just leave a message! I might, I might get... no, I will—"
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no subject
[Quietly, he does feel a bit proud of Bernadetta, though. How much she's grown and has been trying to not become so tangled in those thoughts.
Idly, he strokes his fingers down Loog's back, the cat purring loudly.]
I was trying to reassure Khalid that I didn't have any intention of hurting him or anything like that. I know it's hard for him, and he gets caught up in his own fears and paranoia, but...
Anyway. I asked him to think about my motivations. What makes me tick, you know? I thought it would be easy. That he could safely conclude that I meant no harm. I didn't expect him to say things like... like I was friendly to people because I didn't want to be abandoned. That I wanted to help so I could be needed and remembered. That I was capable of being underhanded. Stuff like that.
I was so hurt and upset, and I thought at first that he had to be wrong. Now I'm... thinking about it, and wondering. What if I'm that bad and I didn't realize it? I'm doing better with it now; I talked about those kinds of thoughts and feelings with a few friends and they reassured me, but I got all caught up in it again tonight, so. You know. Here we are.
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[It's a soft breath, and her hands squeeze his arm, curling around him.]
Here's the thing about Khalid. He... he probably heard you ask something like "what would make me want to hurt you" and took it as, "underwhat circumstances would these feelings make sense," maybe. So... um, that is to say, looking things in the absolute worst light has saved his life, before. So... so, he never had an incentive strong enough to stop doing that.
And, um... the light is dark, but there's a different perspective, too. You're friendly to people because you want to keep them in your life. Because... because you like them, and want to be friendly. To give them good parts of you. Everyone likes being needed, and no one wants to be forgotten. And people can do all sorts of things, to survive or protect themselves or others. Being underhanded is a skillset, not a sin, whether you can be or not.
no subject
And I don't think I can keep doing it. I can't keep... being around someone that just thinks the worst thing about me, regardless of the reasoning. It's kind of awful.
[Ashe lifts his head and looks down at her.]
I like helping people, because I don't want anyone to be in the kind of situation I was once. Where every time I tried to get help I was refused. And I might not be proud of what I've done in the past, but turns out being able to unlock doors helped us out a bunch during our missions.
It's just-- I think Khalid and I are just bad for each other, I guess. We're so different. I always want to look for the best in people, and it seems like he's always looking for the worst.
no subject
[She hesitates, trying not to overstep either way.]
If it's hurting you, then you two... you don't have to force things. I mean, for years, I actively avoided anyone I thought might even consider hurting me. The difference between having hope and having fear... it can be really, really rough to bridge.
no subject
...Yeah. Okay.