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[persecutetioncomplex]

« bernie » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION Bernadetta von Varley ✦ FE3H
RESIDENCE ✦ Residency
GEMBOND✦ Amethyst

"Um, I... I don't know why you need me, s-so... um... no, well, if you do need me, that's, w-well... just... just leave a message! I might, I might get... no, I will—"

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[shootyourshot]

Yeah. I guess not. It's not like I consider myself a bad person or something, but it's like... in a world of color, I'm just this gray thing.

Sorry. I don't know if that even makes any sense.

[persecutetioncomplex]

No, it... it, uh, makes a lot of sense. S-Sort of, at least? I... used to think of myself like a big unsightly blot, and everybody else is just... just this incredible and lovely, intricate tapestry I just... ruin.

[shootyourshot]

[Hearing that description does sadden him, knowing that once Bernadetta considered herself as such. He has the urge to speak out, but more ideally she does say used to. Which means he hopes she's finding her self-worth. She is a beautiful, skilled, and thoughtful person to Ashe.

But it does help she gets it, in her way.]

How do you see yourself now?

[persecutetioncomplex]

Oh, um...

[Her cheeks heat, and she knits her fingers together.]

B... better. I, uh, I know the people I care about value me, and, um, that... it... it helps, when the dark thoughts seep back in.

[And they always do, sooner or later. She's not sure they wouldn't even if her life was perfect.]

[shootyourshot]

It's difficult. But, um... I am glad you know that. Because I do think you're very special. I really do.

If you ever need, you can send me a message if you ever start feeling that way. If you want.

[persecutetioncomplex]

Um, if... I'll promise you that, if you promise me that.

[shootyourshot]

Ah? Oh, u-uh.

[well shit]

I'll try.

[persecutetioncomplex]

I'll try for you, if, if you... try for me. Okay?

[shootyourshot]

Okay. Just... understand for me I-- it isn't that I don't trust you. I just feel like I'm burdening someone if I even consider it. I guess I spent so long looking after my brother and sister that even thinking of doing anything for myself seemed like something I couldn't spare...

But I will try. That I promise.

[persecutetioncomplex]

No, I get it. I, uh, never had any siblings but... well.

It's easy for me to feel like a burden.

[He knows the reasons why.

Still, that aside, she lifts a hand, pinkie extended.]

Deal.

[shootyourshot]

I understand. Just know I never think of you that way.

[Gently, he hooks his pinkie to hers.]

All right. It's a promise.

[persecutetioncomplex]

...thank you, Ashe.

[Her finger squeezes his, and she leans in to press a kiss to his cheek, because hearing that and knowing, without a doubt, that he means it has her heart fit to burst with soft feelings.]

[shootyourshot]

Anytime-- oh.

[Well. He won't complain about the affection. He gives a bashful smile, and squeezes her finger in return.]

[persecutetioncomplex]

[She withdraws, gaze skittering away from his, and tries not to be too bashful.

She's already bright pink, but. She tries.]

So... S-So, um... on, uh, the lighter end of things, we... we haven't met for a book discussion lately! How, uh, how far have you gotten through yours?

[shootyourshot]

O-oh! Right. I guess it has been awhile, hasn't it? I've been so distracted recently...

But I am about I want to say maybe two-thirds of the way through? It gets so good, and it can be really funny too! I won't spoil anything, but it's so very witty. And there's a lot of good fighting in it too if you like action scenes.

[persecutetioncomplex]

I'm barely further than that myself. The—

[Her voice catches, but only just briefly, this time.]

The Bairnies, they, uh... they preferred me to read them picture books I made, mostly.

[shootyourshot]

[Gently, he brushes his fingers against her hand, smiling with encouragement.]

I bet they really liked that. Would you show me sometime? I bet they're charming.

[persecutetioncomplex]

...yes. I...

[Her fingers lace with his, and she smiles, wan but warm.]

I think that'll... it will help. To, um. To remember them, like that.

[Happy and enthralled, paging along with her.]

[shootyourshot]

I'd love to. Whenever you're ready to share them.

[persecutetioncomplex]

I'll... when we finish our current bookloads. I'll bring them then.

[There. A concrete goal.]

[shootyourshot]

Then it's a deal.

[Leaning over, Ashe gives her a peck on the forehead.]

[persecutetioncomplex]

[Now it's her turn to startle, pleased but surprised.]

...Deal. Um, if... if I can ask, did you have any...?

[shootyourshot]

Any of the bairns? Ah, yeah, a few of them. We cooked together and I played with them... I always knew I wanted to be a father one day, but this really just cemented it for me too. I could see where their other parent came from too if I looked hard enough. The biggest troublemaker probably came from Sylvain, but who's surprised to know that, huh?

When they told me they had to leave... I didn't realize how heartbroken I'd be. But I went with them to make sure they got to where they needed to go safely.

[persecutetioncomplex]

They... mine tried to stay. Until... until it started hurting them. It was...

[It was an awful goodbye. But she's never seen a good goodbye, either.]

I never... having children wasn't an option, for me. Not... something I thought a lot about. But. Um. But they... if I could, I'd... I'd want to now, I think.

[shootyourshot]

I like to think it's not a final good-bye. But even so... who's to say you don't have the choice now?

[Gently, he squeezes her hand.]

I think you'd be a really good mom.