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« bernie » TEXT ✧ AUDIO ✧ VIDEO ✧ ACTION Bernadetta von Varley ✦ FE3H
RESIDENCE ✦ Residency
GEMBOND✦ Amethyst

"Um, I... I don't know why you need me, s-so... um... no, well, if you do need me, that's, w-well... just... just leave a message! I might, I might get... no, I will—"

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I mean, I'm free. Are the walls that thin, over there?

They aren't, thank Goddess. Or I'd probably never sleep.

I guess if it doesn't bother you, then company would be nice.

I imagine not, no.

Would you like it in person, or just through a video?

And no saying 'whatever's easiest for you, Bernie,' okay? It's no trouble either way.

Okay

Well

In person would be nice then.

Okay. Is Synchrony okay with you, right now?

I dont know

Im a little scared of sharing what Im feeling right nw

Okay. That's totally fine! It just means I'll take transportation rather than flying over.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

[And, about half an hour later...]

I'm walking up now.

[He almost types sorry habitually, but remembers himself. He doesn't have to apologize, but he hates feeling like maybe he's an inconvenience. Everything just-- feels awful right now.

When her message comes through about a half hour later, Ashe makes sure he's at least a little bit presentable before he goes to open the door to the manor, treading lightly so he doesn't wake anyone else up. Beside him, Loog follows lazily, the rotund cat weaving around Ashe's legs until he's finally picked up.]

I'm outside to meet you

[Two sharp-eyed snipers, squaring off in the late-night gloom. They spot each other at roughly the same time.

Her soft steps grow swifter, still quiet, and she meets him with a hug, gentle in respect to the cat and with feelings firmly tucked away the way they're meant to be, in respect to him.]

...hey.

[Fortunately, Loog doesn't seem to care that he's briefly squashed between the two of them, purring heavily at just being able to laze in Ashe's arms. Ashe himself leans for a moment into Bernadetta, biting his lower lip as he fiercely keeps his emotions to himself. It's... it's such a mess. It's not the worst he's ever felt, but it's still pretty bad.]

Hey, Bernadetta.

Come inside? We can sit wherever.

Of course.

[She pulls back, squeezing his shoulders gently on the way, before following him in.]

[There's a part of him that wants to go back to his bedroom, but he doesn't really want to make Bernadetta feel awkward. Would that make her feel awkward? The way he feels right now, he finds himself overthinking and just decides to take them to the kitchen. It's out of the way of everyone else's room, and they can sit by the traditional look hearth.

So he sits, letting Loog curl up on his lap.]

Thanks for coming.

[She nestles down next to him, leaning her head into his shoulder.]

You'd do the same for me.

...

Do you want to talk about it, or just... sit like this, for a while?

Of course.

[And he would, in a heartbeat. He hesitates, then closes his eyes and leans his head lightly against hers.]

...I-I don't know. I don't want you to feel like you're in the middle of all this again. I'm honestly happy to have you here.

Well, I'm... familiar with thoughts that can get tangled in the worst ways.

[Is she ever.]

I won't tell you what to do, but, well... I-I could help you untangle some of it, maybe?

I guess that's true. If there's someone who understands... then yeah.

[Quietly, he does feel a bit proud of Bernadetta, though. How much she's grown and has been trying to not become so tangled in those thoughts.

Idly, he strokes his fingers down Loog's back, the cat purring loudly.]

I was trying to reassure Khalid that I didn't have any intention of hurting him or anything like that. I know it's hard for him, and he gets caught up in his own fears and paranoia, but...

Anyway. I asked him to think about my motivations. What makes me tick, you know? I thought it would be easy. That he could safely conclude that I meant no harm. I didn't expect him to say things like... like I was friendly to people because I didn't want to be abandoned. That I wanted to help so I could be needed and remembered. That I was capable of being underhanded. Stuff like that.

I was so hurt and upset, and I thought at first that he had to be wrong. Now I'm... thinking about it, and wondering. What if I'm that bad and I didn't realize it? I'm doing better with it now; I talked about those kinds of thoughts and feelings with a few friends and they reassured me, but I got all caught up in it again tonight, so. You know. Here we are.

Oh.

[It's a soft breath, and her hands squeeze his arm, curling around him.]

Here's the thing about Khalid. He... he probably heard you ask something like "what would make me want to hurt you" and took it as, "underwhat circumstances would these feelings make sense," maybe. So... um, that is to say, looking things in the absolute worst light has saved his life, before. So... so, he never had an incentive strong enough to stop doing that.

And, um... the light is dark, but there's a different perspective, too. You're friendly to people because you want to keep them in your life. Because... because you like them, and want to be friendly. To give them good parts of you. Everyone likes being needed, and no one wants to be forgotten. And people can do all sorts of things, to survive or protect themselves or others. Being underhanded is a skillset, not a sin, whether you can be or not.

...He said it's what he thinks, not what he believes. And I can't-- I don't understand that. That kind of separation. I don't know, I don't think he and I can click. I feel like we've fought so much now. I can't remember getting into such bad situations with someone like this before.

And I don't think I can keep doing it. I can't keep... being around someone that just thinks the worst thing about me, regardless of the reasoning. It's kind of awful.

[Ashe lifts his head and looks down at her.]

I like helping people, because I don't want anyone to be in the kind of situation I was once. Where every time I tried to get help I was refused. And I might not be proud of what I've done in the past, but turns out being able to unlock doors helped us out a bunch during our missions.

It's just-- I think Khalid and I are just bad for each other, I guess. We're so different. I always want to look for the best in people, and it seems like he's always looking for the worst.

I know it really, really doesn't seem like it, but this, um, this is him trying to open up. But...

[She hesitates, trying not to overstep either way.]

If it's hurting you, then you two... you don't have to force things. I mean, for years, I actively avoided anyone I thought might even consider hurting me. The difference between having hope and having fear... it can be really, really rough to bridge.

[For a moment, he's quiet as he looks at her. His hands stop touching Loog, curling instead into fists before they slowly unfurl.]

...Yeah. Okay.

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