persecutetioncomplex | Noctium Inbox

Hey. Bernadetta, right?
This is Rose.
Thanks for being so understanding about my situation and letting your guy help me out.

[ I'm sorry if I made things weird at all-
I don't want to come between you two-
You're a better person than me for it- ]

I've got a plan to keep things under control going forward but I appreciate everything.
(Don't feel like you have to reply to this either! I just wanted to say thanks. ✌️)

It's alright! We're open for, well, partly exactly this reason? But if it's an ongoing thing, we'd need to have a discussion with everyone.

Sometimes people need help, or don't have a choice; we know that. I love him, and he loves me, and I trust him, too. Hopefully he trusts me just as much.

He explained that you're like him, too—trusting people can be really scary, we both know that. I'm sure your plan is very good! But, one of the less scary ways I use to keep my Manna up is, I Sync with people when I kind of know what we'll both be feeling? Like, during a sad or happy movie, or when there's something festive going on.

I'm sure you have plenty of ideas, so maybe that one won't be used, but I figured, better to have too many than too few, right?

I hope you're feeling okay. The hospitals here are nice, but turning gemmy sounds... really scary.

I don't think it will be.
I may have, uh, burned that bridge but that's my own fault.
Besides, I wouldn't want to impose.
And I'm not really 'ongoing thing' material anyway.

[ Love is a word that hurts. Not due to jealousy, but insecurity. Longing for the selfsame thing and knowing that she'll never have anything close to it because of all her self-destructive tendencies and tangled up mess of feelings. ]

I appreciate the advice, actually, but I think the problem is with me and not anyone else?
My emotions can be kind of all over the place and it makes things weird!
And it wasn't so bad, actually. Kind of cool-looking? Just wish it didn't come with all the bad side effects.

That's kind of an extreme assumption to make, in my opinion? About bridges and faults, I mean.

But it's also not something you have to force yourself into. Nobody should tell you what to feel or want.

I am... very, VERY familiar with messy emotions. It

It can be scary, getting caught up inside your own head, and everything just churns and tangles into crazy knots and silly or awful things can even seem like perfectly sensible thoughts, rather than the opposite.

And you can be so, so sure that people want to hurt or avoid you, automatically.

[ It's strange. Perhaps because what she says strikes so true that she... It feels okay, in a way, being a little more honest. ]

Nobody is, I just
I wouldn't really forgive me for what I did, I guess, so like you said I automatically assume that's the case for anyone else

But that's about it.
My train of thought tends to go off the rails into a ravine and then roll a few miles before exploding for good measure so, like

No one should have to deal with that.

I have had to distangle that exact assumption at least five times so, I think that may in fact not be as solid a basis as you may assume it is, Miss Rose.

Um.

Do... Do trains actually DO that?!

Not usually, but they can!!

And just call me Rose. I am the farthest thing from a 'miss' there can be.

also
Okay, well
I should probably apologize to him then? What I did was, uh. Pretty bad so I'm not expecting to be forgiven but maybe it'll count for something at least to try?

What exactly did you do that made you so scared?

The last I heard was just that you refused to confirm you were actually going to take care of yourself when texting.

Because I can't confirm that
I can try but I'm not the best at taking care of myself without all this Synchrony stuff
So having to think about that too now sucks

But instead of just saying that or talking it through or anything
I threw my phone into the ocean and drank too much instead
Since that was easier

[ And normally? That would be it. Change numbers, skip town, daydream of what could have been if she wasn't a terrified, dysfunctional mess of a woman-

Rose isn't used to being unable to run. Even more than that, she isn't used to the idea that, the more consistent connections she makes here (even for as scary as that is), maybe she doesn't want to anymore. Or that she never did.

It's so much easier to disappear. To convince herself it's for the better and refuse to believe people could actually care for her. But what if...? ]

So... you're just going to let yourself turn into a crystal?

I mean, he might grumble about the brush off, but he deflects a lot himself, so... if he got mad, I think it would only be because he's on the other end of the stick, for once?

And also because you're not planning on taking care of yourself. I think most decent people would get upset and worried about that, especially since he's already found you in a state so dire, direct and immediate intervention was needed.

No, I
I don't WANT to

Guess I haven't known a lot of decent people though
No one there to pick me up but myself or if there was someone, well
It was still up to me

[ She thinks to the ring leader telling her what a good job she did but never staying long enough to pick up the pieces in the aftermath. Excellent work, a taste of affection, then being told to mend her wounds and do it again.

And she did. ]

I won't let it get that bad again or
I'll try not to but I can't promise anything right now is all

I know opening up is hard, but... the thing about Synchrony, is that absolutely nobody can do it for you or make you do it. You have to CHOOSE to do it.

It's scary, but it's true.

I think, since we can quantify and track our Manna levels, you should... probably set a hard percentage limit for yourself, or you'll definitely put it off, since you hate it so much. If you can't promise me anything now, with minimum pressure, I don't think you'll ever be able to promise it, period.

I mean
Like I've told him, in the beginning, it was okay, but like
The lake, the bairns, and who knows what else is... more than just scary
And every time I think about Syncing again, I just freak out wondering what fuckery might happen that time

But that's not an excuse, I know, and maybe I won't ever be able to deal with it
I can just hope it gets easier
Like you said, keep an eye on the Manna and not let it dip below whatever percent

The lake was awful.

Losing the bairns was so much worse than just having things growing in me.

Do you want a practice partner?

Yeah.
For as much this place tries to be all sunshine and rainbows and everything's awesome, actually, well- It hasn't been all that great lately.

[ You have to choose, she said, even if it's scary and so- ]

I mean
Yeah, I do

Okay. Then, I can do that for you.

Thanks, girl.
This is... definitely not how I saw this conversation going, I'll be honest, but I'll take it.

(๑•̀ㅂ•́)و✧
I will try not to disappoint.

I was so scared of opening up to people I literally hid in my room all the time, a few years ago.

I don't know how much help I'll be, but if I can be any at all, then, well, I want to try.

[ She's so scared of opening up to people she has a glamour to look human and a perfectly practiced persona to hide the real her. So, you know, she can... actually kind of get that. ]

You'll probably be more help than you know.

[Mood, frankly.]

I certainly hope so! What time or day works for you?

Uh, well-
Oh, right, I have an actual job now.

Afternoons are probably best. Or late nights?
I don't know if you're a night owl or not but I am.

[ She also sleeps about two hours for every eight that a human requires. Even then, she's lucky if she gets eight through a week because hoo boy. Nightmares sure are a time. ]

Afternoons work, and most nights, since he'll be out at work.

I've also always been a night owl, yes.

Nights work best, then.

[ Gives her an excuse to stay up, at any rate. ]

I don't know how soon you wanna' start this thing
But I mean, I figure... it's something I probably shouldn't keep putting off so

Why don't we start with something simple?

Tea, or a movie?

I'm a movie kind of gal.

I've actually got a good one in mind if you don't have a preference.

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persecutetioncomplex - 2021-07-04 20:51 (UTC) - Expand

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