persecutetioncomplex | Noctium Inbox

[It's been awhile since they'd met up, and Ashe assumed it was best to give her space. But undoubtedly after the departure of the bairns on top of everything else, that means she isn't doing well. Ashe had his own heartbreak, but she's taking it much harder.

He can't blame her for that.

Ashe stands up from where he'd been working on growing some plants. Dusting off his hands, he approaches her.]

Of course, Bernadetta.

Come on. We can go sit on the garden bench. I'll be here.

[She blows out a shaky breath. She loves gardening, but her own plants...

They had been prickling reminders. She follows after him, hands folded and steps light, falling back on years of practice. Anything, but more thinking.

The bench is cool and sturdy beneath her.]

You know, I. I, even before we came here a-and they told us we, we wouldn't be able to... I n-never actually thought about being a mother? It... It was never something framed as a, as a choice, for me. I didn't think a-anyone would ever want... me but. Well. I was a Crested noble's daughter.

[In Ashe's case, he'd always wanted to be a father. His own children or adoption, it didn't matter; he loves children, and he enjoyed the bairns. He feels a bit empty now that they're gone -- his own abandonment issues probably not helping -- but at least he got to see them safely go where they needed.

But he doesn't voice it, because he wants to focus on Bernadetta and her feelings. What she's feeling, her thoughts. It probably doesn't help that back where she's from, she's...

He bites his lip for a moment to kick himself out of his own head.

Ashe offers a hand to her, making no demands.]

And what are you thinking now?

[For so long, becoming like her own mother had held zero appeal, and she was certain no man would ever want her, besides.

She takes Ashe's hand, gripping it tight, and if he chooses Synchrony he'll be able to feel how totally, utterly shattered she is. The pieces are pulling together, now, the initial devastation fading with time, but...

Goddess, it hurts.]

I-I think... I think I would have really liked having children. Isn't... isn't that awful? To know, to kn-know that now?

[Instinctively, he opens Synchrony -- and the emotions hit him hard, like broken glass, shards of grief. He squeezes her hand instead of flinching away, wanting her to express herself as she chooses. Bernadetta deserves that.]

I'm so sorry. To be in that kind of position...

[He feels it from her, understands it in that way, but if Ashe himself were in her shoes... oh, he'd be mournful too. She has every right to feel as she does.]

Do you regret it?

[She presses her face into his shoulder, and tries, very hard, to keep the tears at bay.]

...which part?

The bairns, mostly.

[With his other hand, he gently rests it against her back, encouraging her to lean against him.]

[She does so, her other arm shifting to hug him, tight.]

I... no. Yes.

[Give her a moment.]

I... I r-regret letting them s-stay, when the others... when other people's bairns started leaving. Th-they... they wanted to stay. They, they stayed and stayed until, until it hurt them. Until... until staying would've m-made them wilt away entirely.

Bernadetta, there was no way for you to know it would've hurt them.

[Gently, he hugs her, never tight enough to make her feel trapped. He just wants to pour out his affection for her, and though that will not heal things on their own he certainly wants to be sure she knows she is wanted.]

If they wanted to leave, you wouldn't have made them stay. Right?

Never. Never ever.

[She shudders in his arms and shrinks, as if trying to burrow closer still.]

I don't... you... you shouldn't have children if, if you're going to hurt them. A home... shouldn't be a cage. But... i-it... it's not fair. We wanted the same things, so... so why...?!

I don't know. I really don't... But I try to think that, maybe, we did something good for them. Even though they had to leave for whatever reason.

[Oh, Bernadetta. He rubs her back, encouraging her to hold on and share with him as she needs to.]

Hopefully... whatever experiences we gave them, it'll live on with them as they continue to grow. So they'll remember how big your heart is.

I hope so.

[She sucks in a stuttering breath that's wet around the edges, but...

She manages not to cry, today. The pain recedes, bit by bit, leaving tender and slowly strengthening gratitude in its wake.]

I... I really hope so. I'm... I'm sure yours certainly will, for, um. For what it's worth.

I appreciate your confidence. I'm also pretty sure that yours will have learned how much you care, too. Knowing that can help them grow, I'm sure of it.

[Ashe brushes some of her hair back to tuck behind an ear.]

It's okay to miss them, too. It's okay to hurt. But wherever they are now, they'll remember you too.

...that means a lot.

[To be remembered.]

Thank you, Ashe. I... I needed this.

You're welcome. I want to be here for you.

[He's glad he decided to reach out to her. It won't make the pain go away, but it should certainly help.]

Would you like to come inside? I can make some tea for us.

I'm... so, so glad you are.

[His Bernadetta is a lot luckier than she realizes, she thinks yet again.]

And, um, yes please.

[It makes him blush to hear that, but he smiles at her.]

Of course. Please, come in. I know the others don't mind if you come by.

[As far as he knows, everyone thinks pretty well of her.]

Are you hungry at all?

I should’ve brought something over, as a housewarming gift, sorry.

[She smiles back, this effort a little more successful than the last.]

Oh, um... I-I could eat, I suppose.

You don't have to worry about something like that. Besides, it's never too late, and we'd all be happy to see you.

[The kitchen inside of the manor makes him think of Garreg Mach, honestly. Oh, the tools are still mostly like the technology here, but the feeling and aesthetic of it feel more like home. Stone and brick surrounding the ovens, the sink basin, and all the woodwork -- Ashe enjoyed his apartment, but this makes his heart feel so warm.]

How about just a snack then? [He says, as he gets a kettle ready.]

I know I don't have to. But I, well... I-I like it. Making things for people, rather than just to while the hours away alone.

[It is comforting. The monastery had been the first place she could really go, aside from the family estate. It will always be special for that.]

A snack sounds perfect.

I know. And I really admire that about you. You really do a great job of personalizing things for people. I, um. I still use that bookmark you made. It means a lot to me.

[It isn't much, but Ashe does put together some cookies he'd made the other day and cuts up an apple. It's simple, light, but it should go well with the tea!]

Me too.

[She beams at him, cheeks heating slightly.]

That, um, the book exchange, I mean. Being, being able to do that with someone, and, and knowing you liked my writing, too, it... it means a lot to me. So, um. I-I wanted... to share that feeling.

That's what I mean. You really are good at finding something that suits other people. It's like another language, almost. Able to share that feeling through something you made... I guess the closest I have is cooking.

So all I'm saying is that I'm sure you'll do something that everyone will really like.

I-I, well...

[Her face heats, and she fiddles with what he's given her.]

Um, I, I think... cooking is, well, just the same? It, uh, I mean, you eat the product rather than keeping it, but... you still work hard, to make people happy.

I appreciate that. But, you know, it's... okay to be complimented too, Bernadetta.

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