persecutetioncomplex | Noctium Inbox

Hi Bernadetta,

I'd understand if you aren't really in a talking mood right now, but I just wanted to check on you after everything. I hope you're doing okay.

Hi Ashe,

I think, regardless of how I feel, I need to talk.

My head will get too noisy, if I don't.

I've just been drawing and drawing portraits of the children and I

I need to stop.

Oh, Bernadetta.

I'd be happy to talk. Do you want to do it like this?

If we meet in person, am I allowed to hug you?

Of course you can. All you want.

I'd like to meet up then. Please.

I'd be happy to. Do you want to come here or should I come to you? Whatever you're comfortable with.

I never thought I'd say this but I need, very badly, to not be in my room right now.

That's perfectly all right. I'm staying at the Professor's now, but I have my own room. Just so you know.

I'll wait outside for you.

Thank you.

[She leaves as soon as she says that. She's bundled up, and if she isn't fully dressed in mourning black, she's at least wearing a little more than she usually does, offset by floral patterned ribbons.

Her shoulders are slumped more than usual, and she tries to smile, as she walks up the path to Byleth's home, she really does.

It only makes her look sadder.]

...hi, again. Um... thank you, for having me... having me over.

[It's been awhile since they'd met up, and Ashe assumed it was best to give her space. But undoubtedly after the departure of the bairns on top of everything else, that means she isn't doing well. Ashe had his own heartbreak, but she's taking it much harder.

He can't blame her for that.

Ashe stands up from where he'd been working on growing some plants. Dusting off his hands, he approaches her.]

Of course, Bernadetta.

Come on. We can go sit on the garden bench. I'll be here.

[She blows out a shaky breath. She loves gardening, but her own plants...

They had been prickling reminders. She follows after him, hands folded and steps light, falling back on years of practice. Anything, but more thinking.

The bench is cool and sturdy beneath her.]

You know, I. I, even before we came here a-and they told us we, we wouldn't be able to... I n-never actually thought about being a mother? It... It was never something framed as a, as a choice, for me. I didn't think a-anyone would ever want... me but. Well. I was a Crested noble's daughter.

[In Ashe's case, he'd always wanted to be a father. His own children or adoption, it didn't matter; he loves children, and he enjoyed the bairns. He feels a bit empty now that they're gone -- his own abandonment issues probably not helping -- but at least he got to see them safely go where they needed.

But he doesn't voice it, because he wants to focus on Bernadetta and her feelings. What she's feeling, her thoughts. It probably doesn't help that back where she's from, she's...

He bites his lip for a moment to kick himself out of his own head.

Ashe offers a hand to her, making no demands.]

And what are you thinking now?

[For so long, becoming like her own mother had held zero appeal, and she was certain no man would ever want her, besides.

She takes Ashe's hand, gripping it tight, and if he chooses Synchrony he'll be able to feel how totally, utterly shattered she is. The pieces are pulling together, now, the initial devastation fading with time, but...

Goddess, it hurts.]

I-I think... I think I would have really liked having children. Isn't... isn't that awful? To know, to kn-know that now?

[Instinctively, he opens Synchrony -- and the emotions hit him hard, like broken glass, shards of grief. He squeezes her hand instead of flinching away, wanting her to express herself as she chooses. Bernadetta deserves that.]

I'm so sorry. To be in that kind of position...

[He feels it from her, understands it in that way, but if Ashe himself were in her shoes... oh, he'd be mournful too. She has every right to feel as she does.]

Do you regret it?

[She presses her face into his shoulder, and tries, very hard, to keep the tears at bay.]

...which part?

The bairns, mostly.

[With his other hand, he gently rests it against her back, encouraging her to lean against him.]

[She does so, her other arm shifting to hug him, tight.]

I... no. Yes.

[Give her a moment.]

I... I r-regret letting them s-stay, when the others... when other people's bairns started leaving. Th-they... they wanted to stay. They, they stayed and stayed until, until it hurt them. Until... until staying would've m-made them wilt away entirely.

Bernadetta, there was no way for you to know it would've hurt them.

[Gently, he hugs her, never tight enough to make her feel trapped. He just wants to pour out his affection for her, and though that will not heal things on their own he certainly wants to be sure she knows she is wanted.]

If they wanted to leave, you wouldn't have made them stay. Right?

Never. Never ever.

[She shudders in his arms and shrinks, as if trying to burrow closer still.]

I don't... you... you shouldn't have children if, if you're going to hurt them. A home... shouldn't be a cage. But... i-it... it's not fair. We wanted the same things, so... so why...?!

I don't know. I really don't... But I try to think that, maybe, we did something good for them. Even though they had to leave for whatever reason.

[Oh, Bernadetta. He rubs her back, encouraging her to hold on and share with him as she needs to.]

Hopefully... whatever experiences we gave them, it'll live on with them as they continue to grow. So they'll remember how big your heart is.

I hope so.

[She sucks in a stuttering breath that's wet around the edges, but...

She manages not to cry, today. The pain recedes, bit by bit, leaving tender and slowly strengthening gratitude in its wake.]

I... I really hope so. I'm... I'm sure yours certainly will, for, um. For what it's worth.

I appreciate your confidence. I'm also pretty sure that yours will have learned how much you care, too. Knowing that can help them grow, I'm sure of it.

[Ashe brushes some of her hair back to tuck behind an ear.]

It's okay to miss them, too. It's okay to hurt. But wherever they are now, they'll remember you too.

...that means a lot.

[To be remembered.]

Thank you, Ashe. I... I needed this.

You're welcome. I want to be here for you.

[He's glad he decided to reach out to her. It won't make the pain go away, but it should certainly help.]

Would you like to come inside? I can make some tea for us.

text; un: arrow.of.justice

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